i will know your name.

I crossed a tiny sea tonight
to reach across a hill
and pick off this one point of light
that burns within me still.
Oh all these pretty winding roads are wringing out my heart,
I’m seeing things in snipped reverse,
just art falling apart.
I never take the chances I should take, God bless my soul.
I take the ones that never leave a mark.
Only a hole.
Where hoping used to be.
And oh I miss you.
These people won’t stop asking questions. I’ve become.
A polite tape I’ve set on repeat to say you’re gone.
And I’m walking through the day, picturing the parallel face, and all the same along the way
that must be yours.
I am counting all the ways that my own face
must see the world.
Because this is a brand new one and I’m in it all alone.
This is no war.
Only a flat line of something good. A little girl who can’t hold on.
Because she isn’t used to trying.
But she’s so very good at lying.
And so she smiles and says you’re doing fine,
and life is not that different.
But it’s not mine.
Because you’re gone.



I will love life with you in it forever and ever. amen. It's all about the wings and falling stars, and never forgetting.

the spark.

we are all jealous lovers. we love jealously. but there's this song i love by mute math that repeats the phrase 'you are mine'. and its about God, not a girl. but if He is mine, He is everyone else's who believes in Him. so we all share this one thing to live for, to trust in, to know. and yet i connect to no one as if there is this cosmic divine commonality. there is nothing. we don't share well.
i don't know how to love God and show Him I love Him compared to how everyone else loves or shows. it's a spiritual competition and uncertainty with everyone playing differently, but no chance of ever coming out on top. death is the only solution. and goodness, this is how we handle perfect love. i want to love perfectly. but i love as if i do it in spite of myself and in spite of the world.

and nobody loves Him like i do. that's what makes Him mine. yet He loves everyone the same. i want to love Him in everyone i meet. the spark of the divine. but i just crush it in myself and disregard it in others.
and this is how we handle perfect love.

He is mine.