i cannot sleep. it is 3:33 a.m. and i have been sick exhausted all day and cannot sleep. so...yet again...i am awake and browsing music choices thinking of the people in my life. who are all most likely quite sound asleep. it's really unfortunate, seeing as i have come to appreciate sleep more than i once did, and more than many around me. i need to clear everything out of my room except for whats on the walls and sleep here, to see if i like it. there's too much around and not enough to comfort me. i want pictures all over one of my walls. i like facades of company--only because in reality i have so much more, but the facade in pretty photographed faces is all i need to get to sleep. or maybe it is what is keeping me up. i feel so sick today, my lungs are miserable which makes my head and stomach and heart hurt. i would prefer not to move, but went to sing song regardless. and talked to someone in the coffee shop that i would much rather hold a grudge against. for making mistakes and hurting my friend. i love simple convictions. and coffee. and the kind of girl friends and boy friends i have in my life. on top of all the boys in my life and my girl sarah did for me this weekend for my birthday, my roommates made me dinner tonight and we watched a movie, and they did everything for me for my birthday. i love them. and tomorrow night i get to go out for dessert with girls i am in club with after tai chi. i am truly trying to soak up the college experience. this weekend, i am going to dallas with a group of girls for a friends birthday, which is exciting. a friend spoke to me recently about how we are always told to breathe in every moment as it passes us by, but are never told when to breathe out again. so we are constantly holding our breaths full of life until our heart stops. because that is what happens. we have to breathe out.
my new band love is called the swell season. do check it out. i am listening to it right now.
and all that i am waiting for. is a chance to even out the score. i am picking up the message, lord. i am closer than i've ever been before. so if you have something to say, say it to me now.
Tuesday, 22 January 2008
Wednesday, 16 January 2008
stay on my side tonight.
there's a line to a song i love by jimmy eat world that says "i'd rather live my life in regret, than do this." i love that line. i'm sitting in my room in an oversize sweater that makes me feel like a child, fiddling my toes with each other, in a room i keep getting messy, wide awake at 12 am. an old man in line in front of me at a coffee shop tonight gave me not one but two cards worth a free coffee, punch cards, and when i asked him if he was sure, he smiled and said "i'm someone's daddy, and you're someone's little girl." it was wonderful. some of me things it was the ridiculously oversize sweater and pathetic little face surrounded by my ridiculous curly hair, but it was such a sweet gesture of love. people make us miserable sometimes. but they're all we've got.
i've started sing song. it's my first time. the practices are simply much too long and i had to pay a dollar for being three minutes late, but i hear it's worth it. that the one weekend makes the five weeks of practice worth it, and i won't regret it. i do regret the little bit of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream i splurged on last night. i've felt bloated all day. i wish i hadn't voiced my fairly moderate opinion earlier today. most of the time people just don't appreciate opinion. we would much rather think over our own. it's funny how opinionated even the mildest of people are. the only difference is how much we vocalize it.
figuring out when to do that is an interesting experience. i see so much of myself in thinking before i speak. who would have thought. this bit of wisdom is overlooked and underrated, like some antiquated tripe that doesn't fit in the real world. it does though. it helps make the world your own.
i wish i had a cat to sleep with me. i wonder if life really is about choosing between regret for action or for inaction. and hindsight is not twenty-twenty. it's often just a different perspective on the same right or wrong choice, not necessarily more clarity. the last line is "lie. lie, better next time. stay on my side tonight." we all need an ally. a compadre. a cat. a body pillow. a song that helps us fall asleep. sometimes we need a lie. sometimes we just need to lie down and really sleep. without having to work at it. maybe having a bed frame again will help.
i've started sing song. it's my first time. the practices are simply much too long and i had to pay a dollar for being three minutes late, but i hear it's worth it. that the one weekend makes the five weeks of practice worth it, and i won't regret it. i do regret the little bit of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream i splurged on last night. i've felt bloated all day. i wish i hadn't voiced my fairly moderate opinion earlier today. most of the time people just don't appreciate opinion. we would much rather think over our own. it's funny how opinionated even the mildest of people are. the only difference is how much we vocalize it.
figuring out when to do that is an interesting experience. i see so much of myself in thinking before i speak. who would have thought. this bit of wisdom is overlooked and underrated, like some antiquated tripe that doesn't fit in the real world. it does though. it helps make the world your own.
i wish i had a cat to sleep with me. i wonder if life really is about choosing between regret for action or for inaction. and hindsight is not twenty-twenty. it's often just a different perspective on the same right or wrong choice, not necessarily more clarity. the last line is "lie. lie, better next time. stay on my side tonight." we all need an ally. a compadre. a cat. a body pillow. a song that helps us fall asleep. sometimes we need a lie. sometimes we just need to lie down and really sleep. without having to work at it. maybe having a bed frame again will help.
Tuesday, 15 January 2008
my atonement.
i just got home from seeing a movie called atonement. we were 6 of 7 people in the theatre. i use the british spelling because this movie was so good it deserves the pure form of the english language. the name is simple. atonement. an atonement is a satisfaction or reparation for wrongs or injury. according to christian theology, christ was the atonement for our sins.
this is a beautiful tragic love story like so much in life. and it was fantastically done. but it raises an interesting question. there is a significant emphasis on confession in this atonement. to bring the truth to the public light. but in the end, after is all is said and done and lost or used, what does the honesty mean? atonement is not about the truth. sometimes truth does not heal all wrongs. too many times it does not come close. sometimes repairing a wrong is not about correcting a misunderstanding and sometimes it is not about the person wronged. but it should be. and it should be so much simpler.
i like the idea though. of perfect atonement. of realizing the depth and breadth of the decisions we make, big and small, good and bad, selfless or selfish. i suppose perfect atonement brings the spirit of truth to light, even if this is not the aim of it. the music was wonderful. the movie was artistic. i was allowed the little pleasure of telling myself i at least definitely have a more substantial chest than keira knightley, and the more pleasurable enjoyment of james mcavoy's face. it's worth looking twice or more at. i like empty theatres. it makes you face the reality of the movie more, because its lonelier. and something about loneliness makes reality more present and stark. maybe because loneliness is one of life's greatest realities. but i am not lonely. i have a beautiful life. even without a tragically beautiful love story.
this is a beautiful tragic love story like so much in life. and it was fantastically done. but it raises an interesting question. there is a significant emphasis on confession in this atonement. to bring the truth to the public light. but in the end, after is all is said and done and lost or used, what does the honesty mean? atonement is not about the truth. sometimes truth does not heal all wrongs. too many times it does not come close. sometimes repairing a wrong is not about correcting a misunderstanding and sometimes it is not about the person wronged. but it should be. and it should be so much simpler.
i like the idea though. of perfect atonement. of realizing the depth and breadth of the decisions we make, big and small, good and bad, selfless or selfish. i suppose perfect atonement brings the spirit of truth to light, even if this is not the aim of it. the music was wonderful. the movie was artistic. i was allowed the little pleasure of telling myself i at least definitely have a more substantial chest than keira knightley, and the more pleasurable enjoyment of james mcavoy's face. it's worth looking twice or more at. i like empty theatres. it makes you face the reality of the movie more, because its lonelier. and something about loneliness makes reality more present and stark. maybe because loneliness is one of life's greatest realities. but i am not lonely. i have a beautiful life. even without a tragically beautiful love story.
Monday, 14 January 2008
to cast out my fear.
i want a perfect friend. i want to be a perfect friend.
a perfect friend lets you makes them pancakes. and makes you pancakes back. they do not get mad about measuring spoons and cups or vacuums or the heater or the dryer lint or outlets or oven lights or locks or parking or anything else that doesn't matter. a perfect friend doesn't change without you. they change with you. not because you are changing so they have to or they are so you have to, just because it is what is natural. they live in sync with you in a perfect flow of friendship without depending on you for that flow. a perfect friend always has a jacket for you. and compliments the way you smell. and finishes your sentences, and when they get it wrong, their completion makes you laugh because it could have been your next thought. the perfect friend knows good things don't last forever. but you should make them last as long as possible. because it is a choice. a perfect friend does not see things as give and take. they simply give and they take. so that you can give and take. and there's a comfortable balance. the perfect friend gives you a place to sleep at night. next to them. and always gives you safety. with a look. a word. a prayer. a place. a touch. a perfect friend gives you what God wants you to have. telling you what God wants you to hear. and lets you know they're doing it because God is always there. and always loves you. a perfect friend stays true and pure and loves what is good. they see what is innocent about you, love you for it, and do everything in their power to protect that innocence in you while never making you feel small or needy, simple something precious and worth protecting. a perfect friend doesn't require anything but has given so much that you desire to give all you can. a perfect friend has standards. for your sake. they trust you. they show you. a perfect friend never leaves you behind. ever. because life without you is not something they would ever choose. no matter what lays ahead. because you are something worth fighting for to be kept at their side. and they want you to know that. a perfect friend is whoever they are and lets you love them for that person. a perfect friend lets you know the things that remind them of you in their days. they are not disappointed in you. they bring out the best in you. and you bring out the best in them. they wait at a yellow light when you're following them on the road. they want your face in their mind and your voice in their head. they are not better off without you. the perfect friend understands what you are asking when you ask questions. and understand when you don't need an answer. and when you do. they give it. they do not make you feel like you have a point to prove. but understand when you need to. without ever giving you a need to be defensive. a perfect friend always hugs. they do not confuse you. a perfect friend makes the imperfect things make sense to you. so you don't feel so lost. a perfect friend always loves who you are, always trusts who you are, always protects you from what would change that, always hopes you will find more perfect in the world, always perseveres by your side, because all the bad with you is better than the good with anyone else. a perfect friend does not exist. but the moments of perfection are beautiful. unforgettable. so painful. because they are impossible to hold. perfection is intangible. perfect love casts out all fear.
a perfect friend lets you makes them pancakes. and makes you pancakes back. they do not get mad about measuring spoons and cups or vacuums or the heater or the dryer lint or outlets or oven lights or locks or parking or anything else that doesn't matter. a perfect friend doesn't change without you. they change with you. not because you are changing so they have to or they are so you have to, just because it is what is natural. they live in sync with you in a perfect flow of friendship without depending on you for that flow. a perfect friend always has a jacket for you. and compliments the way you smell. and finishes your sentences, and when they get it wrong, their completion makes you laugh because it could have been your next thought. the perfect friend knows good things don't last forever. but you should make them last as long as possible. because it is a choice. a perfect friend does not see things as give and take. they simply give and they take. so that you can give and take. and there's a comfortable balance. the perfect friend gives you a place to sleep at night. next to them. and always gives you safety. with a look. a word. a prayer. a place. a touch. a perfect friend gives you what God wants you to have. telling you what God wants you to hear. and lets you know they're doing it because God is always there. and always loves you. a perfect friend stays true and pure and loves what is good. they see what is innocent about you, love you for it, and do everything in their power to protect that innocence in you while never making you feel small or needy, simple something precious and worth protecting. a perfect friend doesn't require anything but has given so much that you desire to give all you can. a perfect friend has standards. for your sake. they trust you. they show you. a perfect friend never leaves you behind. ever. because life without you is not something they would ever choose. no matter what lays ahead. because you are something worth fighting for to be kept at their side. and they want you to know that. a perfect friend is whoever they are and lets you love them for that person. a perfect friend lets you know the things that remind them of you in their days. they are not disappointed in you. they bring out the best in you. and you bring out the best in them. they wait at a yellow light when you're following them on the road. they want your face in their mind and your voice in their head. they are not better off without you. the perfect friend understands what you are asking when you ask questions. and understand when you don't need an answer. and when you do. they give it. they do not make you feel like you have a point to prove. but understand when you need to. without ever giving you a need to be defensive. a perfect friend always hugs. they do not confuse you. a perfect friend makes the imperfect things make sense to you. so you don't feel so lost. a perfect friend always loves who you are, always trusts who you are, always protects you from what would change that, always hopes you will find more perfect in the world, always perseveres by your side, because all the bad with you is better than the good with anyone else. a perfect friend does not exist. but the moments of perfection are beautiful. unforgettable. so painful. because they are impossible to hold. perfection is intangible. perfect love casts out all fear.
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