you don't know me, but i'm sitting next to you. every morning, on the bus or on the tube...

"On the weekends
We try to get our share
Of excitement and of fresh air
Trying to forget
Who we’re gonna be
When the alarm rings
On monday morning"

i stayed in bed for such a long time today, just because i knew i could, and so i should. obviously, this does not apply to all things by any means. but bed on saturday--most certainly. except i didn't particularly enjoy it. i wanted to go walking or to the park in oxford (which is moot since i am, in fact, not in oxford). i wanted to vacuum my room or write in my journal. but i just laid there like a limp towel. not damp. just limp. i finally went to the baseball game at five. but we lost. and i left early anyhow. to have lunch with my sister. and her best friend. and try to honestly inform them about club and pledging without making myself look like a mindless fool for participating.
junior class sing song is going to be a humiliation. it's almost funny. but not quite. i cannot believe i am participating in it. but every now and then i actually have slight twinges of a commitment conscience. or maybe its a complex.
every now and then.
and i love boys clothes. especially jeans. i love a great friend with a truly great boyfriend. i love college baseball games and the walk music for each player. i love salads with eggs in them. i love new episodes of show i like online. i love shoes. i love the amazing valentines package from my mom. it's just so delightfully wonderful. i love pooh bear slippers on sale for my sing song director. because honeybees love honey. but so does pooh.
this weekend will probably end as a disappointment. but i finally stayed in town for it. the first weekend this semester. and i think i'll make it through. i'll get out of bed sooner tomorrow. i'll appreciate a good sunday. i'll soak up some christ. and i'll probably crave sugar while i do so.
lent. lend me your ear. lend me a dollar. lend me a free perfect weekend.
"If in the evening
All you do is watch TV
Cause your too tired for anything else
You’re just like me
Just remember
As you struggle through the day
Relief awaits you
Friday’s not that far away..."

giving your body to the lonely

i wonder what it would be like to live a martyr's life. not the fatal kind of martyrdom. the living kind. that's what this sufjan song is about.

christ. not me.

giving up everything. to be alone with me. when i can't sleep. when i don't pray. he went up on a tree. i used to climb trees. you don't need grace when youre a child. but i'm graceless. and not a child. and all the trees are too small.

but i used to hide in them. not that they were crosses obviously. but he was with me.

i'll never know the man who loved me. who loves me. i'd give anything to have grown up with him. to climb cypress trees or whatever they have in israel. to eat locusts because i was in a desert, to keep him company, while he fasted. instead of a dare. he is real. and is always alone with me.

that's what the song's about mom.

and how far we are from giving all of our being to be alone with another. for their sake. or the world's.

a little less poetic.

a quick update:

i am doing sing song for ko jo kai from 8-11 on monday, wednesday and friday.
now i am also doing sing song for junior class 9-11 on tuesday.
i have tai chi on tuesdays from 6-9. i'm feeling it. in my birthing hips.
although the concert i went to last night didn't help those aches and pains. i'm getting too old to stand for that long fighting to hold myself upright. but it was amazing. i love living a life where i can drive to dallas with two barely friends for an incredible angels and airwaves show and then back in the same night. great music. we even got to eat on a wonderful happy city night street, which i loved.
and it was great. they were good people. and we didn't die at the whataburger on the way home.
i went to the first meeting of the brand new ACU chapter of the student peace alliance. no. it's not about ending the war in iraq. it's about promoting legislation for creating a department of peace in our government. check it out. thepeacealliance.org. i am pretty excited about it.
i'm applying for a job to work with physical therapists as an aide. i'm checking out internships in d.c. for whenever i can. which is not this summer. since it will be the summer of espanol thanks to my own ignorance. god help me and send me some better place to learn this language. just not a summer in abilene.
i want to go on a road trip to the grand canyon for spring break. but don't want to end up as a third wheel because my friends are all strangers to each other it seems.
i love my terrorism class and don't know what to make of that. i think i just really like being able to discuss such intense things so casually at nine o clock in the morning. it makes for a more meaningful life i think.
i hate the feeling of knowing how good you smell and hassling with bobby pins. and waiting for your phone to ring. but it doesn't in time.
i enjoy sufjan stevens in times like this.

"you gave your body to the lonely
they took your clothes
you gave up your wife and family
you gave your goals.
to be alone with me
to be alone with me, you went up on the tree.
i'll never know the man who loved me."

now i just have to decide what to do tonight.

why'd you sing halleluia

they say there's one in every group. what does that say about the rest of us? that we are nothing to be one on our own. we are not the guy from tennessee with too much hair product and the leather jacket who always manages to ask a question right at 10:49. we are not the girl with the nose piercing who admires anarchy and modern weaponry a little too much and is vocal about it. we are not the professor who is still single and brilliant but draws great cartoons. we take all our little one bits and disguise them with the rest of us that makes the group so much more comfortable. and we mock the ones. or act like they are the ones failing at being someone when in reality that is all they are doing, and are doing so unintentionally, which is really what its all about.
but we envy them that. their weird smells, stonewashed denim, or even their position on gun control. because it is these things that make them the one. it's so windy it feels like we are going to blow away. i looked african the other day. or so that is what he said to me. i don't have any facial piercings. any more. my hair is a bit unyielding at times. i tripped when i was running today. i can't write music. these are thoughts i have about myself. but what is my oneness? i don't want to break hearts or hurt others. but i don't want to be broken either. this is what oneness requires i'm afraid. and i just really love getting As.

there's a song that says "she's standing in the ashes at the end of the world, with the wind blowing her hair".

is it a good thing or a bad thing? he calls her the whore of babylon. but she's left standing.