i cannot sleep. it is 3:33 a.m. and i have been sick exhausted all day and cannot sleep. so...yet again...i am awake and browsing music choices thinking of the people in my life. who are all most likely quite sound asleep. it's really unfortunate, seeing as i have come to appreciate sleep more than i once did, and more than many around me. i need to clear everything out of my room except for whats on the walls and sleep here, to see if i like it. there's too much around and not enough to comfort me. i want pictures all over one of my walls. i like facades of company--only because in reality i have so much more, but the facade in pretty photographed faces is all i need to get to sleep. or maybe it is what is keeping me up. i feel so sick today, my lungs are miserable which makes my head and stomach and heart hurt. i would prefer not to move, but went to sing song regardless. and talked to someone in the coffee shop that i would much rather hold a grudge against. for making mistakes and hurting my friend. i love simple convictions. and coffee. and the kind of girl friends and boy friends i have in my life. on top of all the boys in my life and my girl sarah did for me this weekend for my birthday, my roommates made me dinner tonight and we watched a movie, and they did everything for me for my birthday. i love them. and tomorrow night i get to go out for dessert with girls i am in club with after tai chi. i am truly trying to soak up the college experience. this weekend, i am going to dallas with a group of girls for a friends birthday, which is exciting. a friend spoke to me recently about how we are always told to breathe in every moment as it passes us by, but are never told when to breathe out again. so we are constantly holding our breaths full of life until our heart stops. because that is what happens. we have to breathe out.
my new band love is called the swell season. do check it out. i am listening to it right now.
and all that i am waiting for. is a chance to even out the score. i am picking up the message, lord. i am closer than i've ever been before. so if you have something to say, say it to me now.
2 comments:
I'm not sure I'm using this term correctly, but you're writings sometimes make me think 'stream of consciousness' ... you write as you think. Not necessarily in sentences, no punctuation, not answerable to anyone. Your thoughts as they occur. While you say you write for me because I'm the only one who reads the blog, I think you write because you have to - for you. I really think you handle life better when you're writing. Whether anyone else reads it or not, you NEED to do it. Like you NEED music.
It is beautiful to acknowledge the wonder in our lives. You do it so well. Now, if you would just use that voice God gave you to share the music of your soul. You just aren't there yet. The intimacy you studied in that class - you're just acknowledging the challenge. You definitely aren't ready to allow others to see it. Only a very few have that priviledge - some of the others know they don't and it drives them nuts!
There's an old song, "Killing Me Softly," that I want you to hear. I think that's what frightens you about singing. Losing little pieces of your soul. I think you realize that's what will happen but you aren't ready for it ... yet. Some day, you'll realize it's worth it. It doesn't even involve anyone else. It's worth the beauty of the song of your soul to share it, to let others hear it.
Most of them won't realize it's a piece of your soul, so they won't really grab it, and it will come back to you. The ones that realize it's a piece of your soul will grab it and cherish it even if they never see you again.
This is my stream of consciousness this morning. I did hear the song just as I was reading the lyrics. I do love the lyrics I'm just a soul that needs more peace - not the desperation of this voice. Hmm. I think I'll go back, read the lyrics again, and listen some more. I'm sure I didn't quite catch the little piece of his soul he was trying to share. It's trickling through my fingers and I need to cherish it.
I love you.
It was short but so intense and I understand the message now. I understand the message now. I understand the intensity, it had to be intense. If you really listen - don't allow distractions, you see that him and that piece of his soul he's sharing.
Beautiful.
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